I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
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but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
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We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
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