this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
