no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
