After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
