so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
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