I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
