Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
