i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
