6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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