my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
