I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
