The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
