I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
