i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
