my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
