I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
