Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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