I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
