dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I haven't been this sober since birth.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
