and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
