We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
