i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
