operation have a gay friend backfired
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The beer is more important than you right now.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
