I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
