foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
