Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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