plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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