Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
