I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
