I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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