i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
