I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
