please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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