threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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