false alarm. still invincible.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
