also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
