Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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