Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
