eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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