She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
