Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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