If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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