I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
