im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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