I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
