I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
It's blow job season.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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