upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
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I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
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Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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