sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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