if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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