he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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