his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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