i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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