we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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