He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
