I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
