i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
