i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
