I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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