I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
