I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
