Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
